Where I've been...

I disappeared- again.  I know, I'm kinda into that lately.  I just wonder off leaving you with no clue or idea as to where I've gone.  I've just been so busy lately LIVING life that I've not really had the time to write about it. 

First off, I absolutely, 100%, COMPLETELY love my job.  Each and every day I love it more and more and am so incredibly grateful for the opportunity.  Second, I am a Zumba queen!  (not in the sense of being good at it, just in the sense of, I do it, a lot!)  Third, I'm finishing my degree, finally!  Ugh school is not fun at all, but it's getting done, just a short time until I have my Bachelors finished, then I'll tackle my masters! 

Now the big one.... Aaron and I have been praying very hard and have decided to seriously pursue adoption at this time.  We're not giving up on trying to have a biological child, we just feel that this is what God has placed on our hearts right now.  Originally we were only interested in international adoption, as domestic adoption had to many "what if's" and almost felt like a marketing campaign to me to be honest- trying to market yourself through pictures and words as the best possible home for a set of biological parents to place their child.  Aaron and I are so much more then just words and photo's.  However, with changes to our state Adoptions Laws, we may be more into considering domestic adoption from our home state.

So that's it... nothing to incredibly exciting.  We're just living our lives happily together.  We did just get back from Disneyland... pictures to come =)

TTC- If you've not been there, you wouldn't understand.

"It'll all work out", "You'll be fine", "Next month will be YOUR month"...

If you've never had a problem trying to get pregnant- you probably would never understand why it's so frustrating. Ideally, you want to believe that it WILL all work out, that next month WILL be the month, and that when your not expecting it, it WILL just happen.

I can't really describe how it feels to hear that being said though. Imagine when you were young (or for some of you even now), and each time you met someone and fell in love, and for whatever reason it didn't work out (he cheated, he stopped calling, pick your poison)- and that awful feeling you felt all over, especially deep within your heart. You know the part where you SWORE you felt your heart actually breaking? Remember how everyone would tell you that "he wasn't worth it", or "you'll meet the right person, just give it time", or whatever other kind words they offered to make you feel better? Remember how you also smiled and nodded when they said that, but deep down you wanted to smack them because no matter how much you believed it, at that moment it hurt, and you wondered "why not this time", "what did I do wrong", or "why am I not worthy?" THAT my friends is the wonderful monthly feeling a Big Fat Negative leaves you with. Worst off- instead of knowing that the horrible break up was going to end with lots of girl time, Ben and Jerry's, and shopping (or whatever ales you)- instead, your 2nd place prize is your wonderful, lovely gift from mother nature.

Aaron and I are on a TTC break at the moment- and while part of me is excited for the possibility of becoming a little family, and bringing our child home for the first time, the rest of me knows what else waits in store, the heart break and anxiety of wondering, "is this my time."