TTC- If you've not been there, you wouldn't understand.

"It'll all work out", "You'll be fine", "Next month will be YOUR month"...

If you've never had a problem trying to get pregnant- you probably would never understand why it's so frustrating. Ideally, you want to believe that it WILL all work out, that next month WILL be the month, and that when your not expecting it, it WILL just happen.

I can't really describe how it feels to hear that being said though. Imagine when you were young (or for some of you even now), and each time you met someone and fell in love, and for whatever reason it didn't work out (he cheated, he stopped calling, pick your poison)- and that awful feeling you felt all over, especially deep within your heart. You know the part where you SWORE you felt your heart actually breaking? Remember how everyone would tell you that "he wasn't worth it", or "you'll meet the right person, just give it time", or whatever other kind words they offered to make you feel better? Remember how you also smiled and nodded when they said that, but deep down you wanted to smack them because no matter how much you believed it, at that moment it hurt, and you wondered "why not this time", "what did I do wrong", or "why am I not worthy?" THAT my friends is the wonderful monthly feeling a Big Fat Negative leaves you with. Worst off- instead of knowing that the horrible break up was going to end with lots of girl time, Ben and Jerry's, and shopping (or whatever ales you)- instead, your 2nd place prize is your wonderful, lovely gift from mother nature.

Aaron and I are on a TTC break at the moment- and while part of me is excited for the possibility of becoming a little family, and bringing our child home for the first time, the rest of me knows what else waits in store, the heart break and anxiety of wondering, "is this my time."

It's 1am- and I can't sleep

Have you ever felt so conflicted that it hurts?

That's pretty much where I'm residing right now. This week has been such an up and down roller coaster of emotion, that I'm not even sure where everything falls.

There was the hair incident, but lets face it, hair is replaceable, fixable, and well not an issue.

As the entire world knows, I have baby fever like nobodies business. I keep telling myself, it will happen when its right, regardless of how it happens, we'll be a family. Most of the time I believe it. I believe it so much, that I even pick up random things on sale or on clearance and justify it to myself (and Aaron) as spreading out costs. But then at times, when I'm all alone with myself, my thoughts, and that mean nasty voice in the back of my head... it makes me sad that we'll have to have some sort of medical intervention to have a baby. I mean- it's sad to think that I'll never wake up one morning thinking "my period is late" pee on a stick and BAM we're pregnant.

But then, I think of the other information I've learned this week. Aaron's mom has another lump in her breast. Her first one was removed, and after it was removed, she decided not to undergo Chemo or radiation as the doctors recommended, and instead sought help from a homeopathic specialist. Because of this, they told her there was a 50% chance of relapse. While we don't know yet if it's cancer (her surgery is on the 24th), it's still scary. Aaron told me on Friday, right after he found out.

And then there's the absolutely amazing woman I work with, whom, after hearing her story I honestly cried for probably an hour. She found out she has a really rare form of Breast Cancer, and at this point it's up in the air. If it's spread, because it's spread via the blood, there's nothing they can do but manage the pain, if it hasn't, then they hope to God they removed it. While this is something I'd never wish on any woman- this particular woman, just doesn't deserve this, at all.

So then I get angry with myself. I get angry over the fact that we'll need "medical intervention" for a baby- and yet here are two women, who are facing situations that threaten their lives. Even if we end up adopting, we'll still be a family, a healthy (God willing) family. What's wrong with me?

" Fear not; for I am with you. Be not dismayed; for I am your God. I will strengthen you; yea, I will help you; yea, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness."- Isaiah 41:10

One week from today...

I go back to work.

I've been off work since January 14th, and officially return on Tuesday March 9th. I'm a little intimidated by what I'm sure is a growing email box- spewing full of changes, updates, and information I'll have to rapidly wrap my head around.

When I left, we had 2 new employee's starting on the 16th, so while I've interviewed them, when I return they'll be full fledged employee's. Additionally we have another employee who started in February- again whom I interviewed.

Sadly, we've also had one employee resign, so when I return, she'll be gone.

I'm sure the next week will fly by, and before I know it I'll be sitting here a week from tonight thinking- tomorrow is the day!

Where Oh Where Will It Be?

Aaron has been teasing me for about a week and a half about a surprise Breakfast trip we're taking this morning to a place MILEY can go?! I'm so excited. He said it isn't his parents house, and it's not Jeremy and Carolyn's... so I have no idea where we're going! Miley is super excited as you can tell:
She does love a good car ride though!

No Pain- No Gain.

Thursday I started Physical Therapy for my knee. While it felt good to actually bend my knee again, I'm not going to lie, there was also quite a bit of pain involved as well. Both my Physical Therapist and my doctor have informed me that my rehabilitation will take a year to complete (to the point where I can jog and such again). Right now, our biggest focus is for me to be able to do a Straight Leg Raise (SLR) on my own "on demand". I'll be going to Physical Therapy 3 times a week, and completing at home exercises at home as well. Last night, I started my at home exercises, and wow- it was an experience!

I started with the easier exercises:

Then moved into the moderate:

Then the more difficult:

Then...the pain (oh so flattering photo Aaron!):
The good news? LOOK my leg is bent! Also, my incision is healing up very nicely.

This will be the scene around our house for the next few weeks I am sure- but hopefully very soon I will be without my immobilizer and walker- that's the goal anyway!

Surgery- 2.5 weeks Post Op

"How are you doing" is a common thing I hear these days- and while I'm no where near 100%, I'm happy to say that I'm getting much closer then I was two weeks ago, shoot then I was 1 week ago.

The first week home, I pretty much looked like this:
That would be me, on our couch, with my trusty ice machine (AKA: My Best Friend EVER). I came home late Friday afternoon (after a moderately easy overnight stay at the Arizona Orthopedic Surgical Hospital). The first 24-36 hours home were the absolute worst. I didn't start on oral medications until about 30 min until I left the hospital, so for the ride home I still had some of my IV meds in my system. Those QUICKLY wore off, and around my first trip to the restroom, Aaron found me balling in tears not knowing what to do. I had no idea what else to do- so I called my doctor's office and thankfully he was on call. He explained that this was the pain we had talked about and there wasn't too much more we could do- he told me to start on IB Prophen, and he upped the amount of pain medicine I could take. For the first day and a half, I was pretty much oblivious to the pain, because I'd only be awake for about 30-45 minutes of a 4 hour period, long enough to eat a small something and take my medicine. Poor Aaron- he slept by my side and woke up every 30 minutes to alternate turning my ice machine on and off. I couldn't have imagined doing this without him.

Aaron stayed with me Friday-Monday, and Monday night my mom came down to stay with me through Tuesday. We found out on Tuesday that Aaron would have a long day ahead of him at work on Wednesday, and while he was suppose to have Thursday/Friday off there was no way I could sustain myself alone on Wednesday, nor could his Grandma help me out. We decided it'd be best for me to head up to my parents house, since my sister has a few classes a day, but I'd only be alone for a few hours at a time at most- and both my mom and dad would be close by to come if I needed them- so Miley and I headed up north with my mom in some intense rain Tuesday evening.

I opted to skip removing my bandage on Tuesday- since we got up north late, and instead we did this on Wednesday. I apologize for those of you with weak stomach's- while the photo isn't too bad, it's certainly not enjoyable.
So that's my knee- I know it barely looks like a knee given there's no definition with all the swelling- but considering there's a broken Tibia and 3 new screws- I think it looks pretty dang good!

After finally making it home (there was fear we wouldn't with the storms coming in) I started feeling better. I learned to find my way up the stairs (and back down) and can now shower almost completely independently (only needing help getting in and out).

This evening, I climbed the stairs alone while Aaron was at the grocery store. I even managed to get myself into and out of the car alone so if I have to get somewhere, I can. I can even walk short distances without my walker.

I can't start Physical Therapy for another 2 weeks, and I know that in itself will be another very rough rode- for now I'm trying to do what I can to keep some range of motion with the few exercises the doctor released me to do.

There are 3 individuals however who have enjoyed my couch-recovery time: Simba, Budders, and Miley. I have no idea what they'll do when I finally return to work:

New Years Eve!

We welcomed 2010 with Jeremy and Carolyn this year at the SHOUT! House in Westgate. We had SUCH a wonderful time. I had never been to the SHOUT! House but had heard wonderful things about it. In addition to that, one of my favorite bands ever (Rock Lobster- an 80's cover band) was also playing at Westgate.

SHOUT! House is a dueling rock and roll piano bar. It was a nice crowd- not to young, not to old. With our package we received a really nice dinner buffet as well as a champagne toast at midnight! Of course the spirits were flowing all...night...long :)


We had such a wonderful time- I can't remember the last New Years Eve that I spent out and about instead of in the comfort of someones home. I was a bit skeptical, but it ended up being a wonderful evening!