Monday, March 29, 2010

TTC- If you've not been there, you wouldn't understand.

"It'll all work out", "You'll be fine", "Next month will be YOUR month"...

If you've never had a problem trying to get pregnant- you probably would never understand why it's so frustrating. Ideally, you want to believe that it WILL all work out, that next month WILL be the month, and that when your not expecting it, it WILL just happen.

I can't really describe how it feels to hear that being said though. Imagine when you were young (or for some of you even now), and each time you met someone and fell in love, and for whatever reason it didn't work out (he cheated, he stopped calling, pick your poison)- and that awful feeling you felt all over, especially deep within your heart. You know the part where you SWORE you felt your heart actually breaking? Remember how everyone would tell you that "he wasn't worth it", or "you'll meet the right person, just give it time", or whatever other kind words they offered to make you feel better? Remember how you also smiled and nodded when they said that, but deep down you wanted to smack them because no matter how much you believed it, at that moment it hurt, and you wondered "why not this time", "what did I do wrong", or "why am I not worthy?" THAT my friends is the wonderful monthly feeling a Big Fat Negative leaves you with. Worst off- instead of knowing that the horrible break up was going to end with lots of girl time, Ben and Jerry's, and shopping (or whatever ales you)- instead, your 2nd place prize is your wonderful, lovely gift from mother nature.

Aaron and I are on a TTC break at the moment- and while part of me is excited for the possibility of becoming a little family, and bringing our child home for the first time, the rest of me knows what else waits in store, the heart break and anxiety of wondering, "is this my time."

Sunday, March 14, 2010

It's 1am- and I can't sleep

Have you ever felt so conflicted that it hurts?

That's pretty much where I'm residing right now. This week has been such an up and down roller coaster of emotion, that I'm not even sure where everything falls.

There was the hair incident, but lets face it, hair is replaceable, fixable, and well not an issue.

As the entire world knows, I have baby fever like nobodies business. I keep telling myself, it will happen when its right, regardless of how it happens, we'll be a family. Most of the time I believe it. I believe it so much, that I even pick up random things on sale or on clearance and justify it to myself (and Aaron) as spreading out costs. But then at times, when I'm all alone with myself, my thoughts, and that mean nasty voice in the back of my head... it makes me sad that we'll have to have some sort of medical intervention to have a baby. I mean- it's sad to think that I'll never wake up one morning thinking "my period is late" pee on a stick and BAM we're pregnant.

But then, I think of the other information I've learned this week. Aaron's mom has another lump in her breast. Her first one was removed, and after it was removed, she decided not to undergo Chemo or radiation as the doctors recommended, and instead sought help from a homeopathic specialist. Because of this, they told her there was a 50% chance of relapse. While we don't know yet if it's cancer (her surgery is on the 24th), it's still scary. Aaron told me on Friday, right after he found out.

And then there's the absolutely amazing woman I work with, whom, after hearing her story I honestly cried for probably an hour. She found out she has a really rare form of Breast Cancer, and at this point it's up in the air. If it's spread, because it's spread via the blood, there's nothing they can do but manage the pain, if it hasn't, then they hope to God they removed it. While this is something I'd never wish on any woman- this particular woman, just doesn't deserve this, at all.

So then I get angry with myself. I get angry over the fact that we'll need "medical intervention" for a baby- and yet here are two women, who are facing situations that threaten their lives. Even if we end up adopting, we'll still be a family, a healthy (God willing) family. What's wrong with me?

" Fear not; for I am with you. Be not dismayed; for I am your God. I will strengthen you; yea, I will help you; yea, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness."- Isaiah 41:10

Monday, March 1, 2010

One week from today...

I go back to work.

I've been off work since January 14th, and officially return on Tuesday March 9th. I'm a little intimidated by what I'm sure is a growing email box- spewing full of changes, updates, and information I'll have to rapidly wrap my head around.

When I left, we had 2 new employee's starting on the 16th, so while I've interviewed them, when I return they'll be full fledged employee's. Additionally we have another employee who started in February- again whom I interviewed.

Sadly, we've also had one employee resign, so when I return, she'll be gone.

I'm sure the next week will fly by, and before I know it I'll be sitting here a week from tonight thinking- tomorrow is the day!