Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Things That Live Inside My Head

*Disclaimer:  These are things that have been living in my head for about a month now, and I need to get them out.  I've been hesitant to do so, in fear that it may offend some people.  If one of these comments was made by you, please do not take this as my passive aggressive way to convey it to you, and please understand I just need to get it out of my head, this is not about you I promise.

It's been a while since I posted about the frustrations of trying to expand our family.  I can honestly say that I feel this has been a lesson in humility from the Lord.  There is so much that I have learned from this process.  Here's my example: A few months ago I was at a gathering, in which another young woman was asked by someone whom having a child had come easy, "How come you don't have kids yet".  This was done in a very kind and kidding manner, but I saw "the look".  Anyone who's been there knows the look because its flashed on your very own face a million times.  The woman politely responded that"it just wasn't time yet", but I knew otherwise.  It's a look that bonds women of any ethnicity, religion, and social background.

My lesson has come from understanding that some of the most innocent questions or comments can cause quite a bit of pain to someone else when you don't understand their situation.  Please, please do not take this the wrong way, I do not expect anyone to filter out a conversation because of my fertility issues.  (again, read above, this is my rant, nothing more).  But for me, it's made me aware of the things I'm saying (not just about babies- anything that has come to me and given me success) as you never know the situation that someone else is in. 

For example, here's a totally harmless quote that I heard last month, "she's probably my only chance to be an uncle."  The statement as it said was completely kind and actually loving.  However to me, it was a dagger in the heart.  To me it was a write off of the possibility that I could EVER have a child of my own for this person to consider his niece or nephew.  (again, please see my disclaimer).  It honestly killed me and I had to step away.

Now I understand this is all about how I take it, and how I allow my emotions to flow, and understand I am working very hard on this, and think I've gotten better, but that comment has honestly eaten away at me daily since I heard it- and I just had to get it out of my head so it would stop.

Please don't take this for more then it is.  I am completely happy with where we are at in trying to expand our family.  I am beyond thrilled for everyone in my life who has lately found out they are expecting (there is not a limited supply of babies!) and if anything it gives me hope that ours is coming!  This is quite simply my rant to get something out of my head so that I can focus on other non-emotional stupid things.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Massive Fail

I'm alive, I swear.  I had gotten off to a good start, and fell off the bus.  I've just been so tired that between work, school, my gym schedule, and volunteering I've not felt like blogging.

I honestly came home, made dinner, and then slept for 3 hours before waking up to do a few things and am now heading back to bed.  Crazy huh?  I'm just so damn tired all the time!

I'll get back to 30 days of truths tomorrow!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

30 Days of Truth- Day 2

Look- I'm already further then I made it on the 30 day challenge!

Day 2: One Thing You Love About Yourself

This is actually an easy one for me to answer.  I LOVE my eye's/cheek bones!  I'm of Eastern European and Italian decent, and these two ethnicity's combined in their best form to give me some awesome eyes/cheekbones!  Seriously- check it out:
Photo by Noyan Photography

I also love that I can see the positive side of things.  I know it's probably annoying to some, but I've always been told that being easily amused is the sign of a happy person- and I consider myself a happy person who looks for the 1/2 full cup!

What do you love about yourself?

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Because Seeing An Elephant Fly isn't the Only Magic About Dumbo

30 Days of Truth: Day 1

Okay, so my 30 days of "getting to know me" was an epic fail.  I admit it.  Thus why I'm starting over, with "30 days of truth".  I found it through my good friends Vanessa (The Life of NesJas) and Jess (Momma V).

Day 1: One Thing You Hate About Yourself

Wow, let's go ahead and get right into it then huh?  Let's see... what do I hate about me.  Simple.  I hate my ovaries.  I could say that I hate my weight, which while my weight has troubled me my whole life, honestly, it doesn't "bother" me I guess.  I'm still incredibly active doing Zumba and such, and thankful for that.  I'd love to lose weight, but my motives for losing weight aren't for physical beauty, it's for my damn ovaries.

I hate my ovaries.  I hate that they are a host to tons of tiny cyst's that keep them from producing the hormones needed to procreate.  I hate that they allow these cyst's to play "house guest" producing excess testosterone which gives me facial hair, acne, and other undesirable characteristics.  I hate that my ovaries can't do the one simple function they were placed in my body to do- mature an egg ready for fertilization so that I could be a mom.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would take medical intervention for me to be a parent.

Hating your body for it's internal parts is quite an internal conflict.  They're my ovaries- no one is going to give me an ovarian transplant, but at the same time, they're the leading cause to my inability to do the one thing a woman is designed to do- procreate.  My ovaries cause me to fail at being a woman.  There's nothing more I hate about myself then that.