It's 1am- and I can't sleep

Have you ever felt so conflicted that it hurts?

That's pretty much where I'm residing right now. This week has been such an up and down roller coaster of emotion, that I'm not even sure where everything falls.

There was the hair incident, but lets face it, hair is replaceable, fixable, and well not an issue.

As the entire world knows, I have baby fever like nobodies business. I keep telling myself, it will happen when its right, regardless of how it happens, we'll be a family. Most of the time I believe it. I believe it so much, that I even pick up random things on sale or on clearance and justify it to myself (and Aaron) as spreading out costs. But then at times, when I'm all alone with myself, my thoughts, and that mean nasty voice in the back of my head... it makes me sad that we'll have to have some sort of medical intervention to have a baby. I mean- it's sad to think that I'll never wake up one morning thinking "my period is late" pee on a stick and BAM we're pregnant.

But then, I think of the other information I've learned this week. Aaron's mom has another lump in her breast. Her first one was removed, and after it was removed, she decided not to undergo Chemo or radiation as the doctors recommended, and instead sought help from a homeopathic specialist. Because of this, they told her there was a 50% chance of relapse. While we don't know yet if it's cancer (her surgery is on the 24th), it's still scary. Aaron told me on Friday, right after he found out.

And then there's the absolutely amazing woman I work with, whom, after hearing her story I honestly cried for probably an hour. She found out she has a really rare form of Breast Cancer, and at this point it's up in the air. If it's spread, because it's spread via the blood, there's nothing they can do but manage the pain, if it hasn't, then they hope to God they removed it. While this is something I'd never wish on any woman- this particular woman, just doesn't deserve this, at all.

So then I get angry with myself. I get angry over the fact that we'll need "medical intervention" for a baby- and yet here are two women, who are facing situations that threaten their lives. Even if we end up adopting, we'll still be a family, a healthy (God willing) family. What's wrong with me?

" Fear not; for I am with you. Be not dismayed; for I am your God. I will strengthen you; yea, I will help you; yea, I will uphold you with the right hand of My righteousness."- Isaiah 41:10