Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The Things That Live Inside My Head

*Disclaimer:  These are things that have been living in my head for about a month now, and I need to get them out.  I've been hesitant to do so, in fear that it may offend some people.  If one of these comments was made by you, please do not take this as my passive aggressive way to convey it to you, and please understand I just need to get it out of my head, this is not about you I promise.

It's been a while since I posted about the frustrations of trying to expand our family.  I can honestly say that I feel this has been a lesson in humility from the Lord.  There is so much that I have learned from this process.  Here's my example: A few months ago I was at a gathering, in which another young woman was asked by someone whom having a child had come easy, "How come you don't have kids yet".  This was done in a very kind and kidding manner, but I saw "the look".  Anyone who's been there knows the look because its flashed on your very own face a million times.  The woman politely responded that"it just wasn't time yet", but I knew otherwise.  It's a look that bonds women of any ethnicity, religion, and social background.

My lesson has come from understanding that some of the most innocent questions or comments can cause quite a bit of pain to someone else when you don't understand their situation.  Please, please do not take this the wrong way, I do not expect anyone to filter out a conversation because of my fertility issues.  (again, read above, this is my rant, nothing more).  But for me, it's made me aware of the things I'm saying (not just about babies- anything that has come to me and given me success) as you never know the situation that someone else is in. 

For example, here's a totally harmless quote that I heard last month, "she's probably my only chance to be an uncle."  The statement as it said was completely kind and actually loving.  However to me, it was a dagger in the heart.  To me it was a write off of the possibility that I could EVER have a child of my own for this person to consider his niece or nephew.  (again, please see my disclaimer).  It honestly killed me and I had to step away.

Now I understand this is all about how I take it, and how I allow my emotions to flow, and understand I am working very hard on this, and think I've gotten better, but that comment has honestly eaten away at me daily since I heard it- and I just had to get it out of my head so it would stop.

Please don't take this for more then it is.  I am completely happy with where we are at in trying to expand our family.  I am beyond thrilled for everyone in my life who has lately found out they are expecting (there is not a limited supply of babies!) and if anything it gives me hope that ours is coming!  This is quite simply my rant to get something out of my head so that I can focus on other non-emotional stupid things.


Vanessa said...

Hugs to you.

Sommer said...

I'm sorry Jenn. Sometimes people don't understand the comments they make can affect you greatly. Even the smaller innocent ones. I have known all my life I would have to adopt and it still affects me to this day.